I’ve been reading about ASD symptoms in women and gradually remembering making adjustments to some of them when I was young that I hardly notice now. But so many of the symptoms seem so ordinary in the context of my family circumstances and childhood I’m a little puzzled, like surely those are very common quirks? Moreover most of the things i feel are seen as a bit weird in me, are things I’ve always understood as a result of being bi-cultural, or as a percieved mismatch between being small and fragile-looking while being rather hard-assed. But as info about women with autism comes more to the fore there are specific incidents in my life that have made me wonder. I’ve had a long time to arrange my life so that I don’t encounter things that make me uncomfortable any more (touching, phone calls etc. and the necessary social skill of lying is something I’ve come to an accommodation with.)
Growing up there wasn’t really family pressure not to be weird because they were all damn weird! And had a lot of license to be so through being good at their jobs. But there was societal pressure, because I come from a place where social convention is very strong.
Lately I’ve been making lists of things I’ve never not done, which I won’t include here, to do with touch, sex, eye contact, stims, overstimulation – and some of those memories come with also remembering making the effort to reverse the effect. I mean, I doubt I would ever get through a screening for the condition but the more I read about women with ASD the more it chimes with me and I remember taking steps to solve some of the problems associated.
For instance the trait that made me take most notice was alexithymia, because I kept reading about it but only recently looked up what it means. I’d almost forgotten that I consciously made a decision in late adolescence, time of passionate crushes and hormone storms, to monitor myself by externals in order to know what I’m feeling. Now it’s second nature. But the thing that made me think I couldn’t possibly be on the spectrum is that i have a very good idea what other people are thinking and feeling, so much so it’s like they are invading my barriers, my psyche. It’s one of the things that makes company tiring.
I understand why ASD is defined as a disorder. I am not disabled in any way. My quirks of processing and behavior are things I developed ways of coping with over a lifetime, to the extent that many of them are almost invisible now. There remains some degree of existential angst but isn’t that the human condition?
Is there any point at this age (close to 70) of looking for a diagnosis, since I have arranged my life the way I like it? No one has ever mentioned ASD as likely to me in my life but I’m well aware many find me a bit strange, a bit blunt, and I’ve been chased round the room for familial goodbye hugs which in retrospect was actually pretty shit not to mention disrespectful. I think many many people may be on the spectrum in a way that doesn’t interfere with conventional life milestones or require further support: is there an argument for research into them? Would it usefully add to the knowledge of how AS presents, and the adaptations people make to having it? Wouldn’t it be useful, particularly for further understanding of women with ASD, who are so undiagnosed, and for whom any diagnosis and support is a very recent thing, to really explore the diversity of strategies people use to practice masking, and what is successful, and what may be damaging and not worth the effort, and what makes the difference between the two?
And another question, who is or might be doing research on this?
This content was originally published here.