A Letter to Autism

I never wanted you, yet here you are. Over the years we’ve grown to have a love-hate-love relationship.

You’re always at the forefront of our lives. You and all your comorbidity friends; ADHD, anxiety, ticks, eating struggles, language delays, epilepsy and intellectual disability. Just to name a few.

So many days I just want to give you the big ol’ bird and say F YOU!! Scream in your face and tell you how much I hate you.

I hate watching my child struggle with all these things and feeling so helpless.

In the beginning all I could see was everything you were taking from us. The typical childhood experiences, the far off futuristic plans we had for our first born and the people who walked out of lives – because the hard was just too hard for them.

But I couldn’t stay in that place forever. I didn’t want to be the angry bitter mom. I knew there was more to our journey.

It took some time but I began to see the good things you brought to our lives too. Like the sweetest laughter over the simplest thing. And watching the light dance off a nearby reflective surface just to catch a glimpse of a perfect rainbow. Or how the sound of a train horn for the millionth time can still bring the biggest burst of joy to a boy who’s not so little anymore.

And it’s also because of you that I’ve been introduced to and accepted by this amazing community of people – who just get it. We all have different experiences but at the same time we share so much in common. There’s always a familiarity in the stories shared. And all of that leaves me feeling a little less alone on this oh so isolating journey.

I’m often asked if there was a magic pill that could take you away forever, if I would want my son to take it?

Now if you catch me on a bad day, you just might get a yes out of me.

But in my heart of hearts, would I want to change my son?

He’s just the way he’s meant to be!

Is that perfect? No.

But really… who is perfect?!

I know I’m sure not!

I have come to accept the fact that you will forever be a part of our lives, autism.

It seems like all there is to do now, is continue learning to embrace you. The good, the bad and all the messy in-between that you bring.

Just a mom on this journey