Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have been together for a year, and I love them so much. One thing that makes me very uncomfortable, though, is that they self-diagnosed autistic when I am certain that they are not. I know that there are infinite biases and barriers in our medical system that make it difficult for people to get important diagnoses, I know autism is a spectrum, I know that some autistic kids learn to mask, and I know this is not my own lived experience. All these things are true, and my partner has also never done one single thing that makes me wonder if they might be right. It bothers me because I have several people in my life that I care about a lot who are autistic, and I see how much it affects them every day. It seems incredibly disrespectful to co-opt this to explain completely neurotypical experiences and behaviors. I wouldn’t have an issue if they did have autism, but I’m just quite certain that they simply don’t. Part of me wonders if I should just let it go, but also every time they bring it up it makes me angry and uncomfortable.
—Self-Diagnosis Hypnosis
Dear Hypnosis,
It’s worth asking yourself, “If my partner is wrong about this, what is the harm?” I can’t really see any. It would be one thing if they were going around arguing with or otherwise burdening people who had been diagnosed with autism or somehow hoarding resources designated for them. But it doesn’t sound like (unless you didn’t share it) their belief about their place on the spectrum is affecting anyone … except, of course, you. And that’s a real issue! Your anger and discomfort can’t be ignored. These feelings are telling you something about how you see your partner after having had the opportunity to get to know them for a year. I’m afraid you’re starting to think of them as dishonest, insensitive, disrespectful, and maybe even delusional. One key part of having a good relationship with someone is holding them and their decisions in high regard. You want to generally believe they make good choices, and conduct themselves in a way that’s good for them, for you, and the world. It feels like this piece might be missing when it comes to how you view your partner, and I can imagine it might be missing with respect to issues other than their self-diagnosis. Give that some thought. Zoom out, and look at their whole life and the way they move through the world: Are they thoughtful? Fair? Conscientious? Grounded in reality? Generous to others? If not, you have some thinking to do about the relationship as a whole. But if this autism thing is really the only issue, their character should inspire you to give you the benefit of the doubt here. There will come a day when you’ll want the same thing.
Dear Prudence,
I (she/her) have a friend (he/him) that I’ve been friends with for many years. We met in college. We’ve been friends for about six years. We have had sex a number of times but neither of us has romantic feelings for the other. He was initially friends with my ex but we had an emotionally abusive relationship. He supported me through that toxic bond. I tried to support him through a relationship with a woman I don’t favor also. Last year he had a severe medical issue, and it really devastated me. I worried so much about him. Cried so often. I don’t know if he knows or understands how much it made my heartache thinking about losing him.
But within the past year he’s seemed to distance himself from me. I feel I have brought it up multiple times, but he seems to almost dismiss my concerns. We went from talking almost daily to barely weekly. About two months ago, he started seeing someone new. Within a week he seemed serious about this woman. A couple weeks ago, I saw our mutual friend and he told me the woman has concerns about our past. I previously said he would be my maid of honor, and he said I’d be his best man. That’s how close we were. Now I worry this woman is kicking me out of his life. I’m devastated, depressed, and alone. I love him so much. I miss us. I don’t know what to do.
—Broken-Hearted Friend
Dear Broken Hearted,
Just like you can’t negotiate or bargain with someone you love to love you back, you can’t convince someone to be your close friend if they’re no longer interested. It’s not fair, and the end of a friendship can hurt just as much as the end of a romantic relationship—arguably even more, because there’s often no formal announcement and no specific reason given. Things just change. Even if you wish more than anything that they would stay the same. And just like in dating and marriage, the promises people make (“I’ll love you forever!” “I’ll be your best man!”) are, frustratingly, not at all enforceable. This is the case even when a friend’s reason for pulling back feels impossible to understand, like it does here.
And I want to acknowledge that it sucks.
The way forward is to let go of what you thought your future with this friend will be, and give yourself permission to grieve it. What would you say to a friend who’d just been dumped by her longtime boyfriend? Wouldn’t you encourage her to let herself cry? Wouldn’t you expect her to feel down and full of heartache for a while? Give yourself the same treatment. Whether it’s a weekend under the covers, a long walk listening to sad music while crying behind sunglasses, or talking a loved one’s ear off about how incredibly stupid and unfair this guy is being (while letting them reassure you that he’s the one who’s missing out on having someone like you in his life!), do something that marks the end of the friendship you thought you had and honors how hard it is. On the other side of that, with time, your perspective might begin to shift. Maybe this was a partnership that gave both of you what you needed at a particular time. He helped you out of an abusive relationship; You were by his side when he was dealing with medical issues. You might even begin to feel the tiniest bit of gratitude for that, and for the fact that the qualities that drew him to you in the first place will likely mean you’re surrounded by good friends for the rest of your life — many of them people you haven’t even met yet.
My husband has an adult daughter in college. I have 11-year-old opposite sex twins. We adopted a pair of younger brothers together. It is only a four-bedroom house. My stepdaughter rarely stays with us anymore, and the twins are getting to the age they don’t want to share a room. I feel like it is a no-brainer to expect my stepdaughter to fully move out so the twins can have their own rooms. The problem is my husband is dragging his feet in asking his daughter. Their relationship is thorny, even if it has gotten better since she was a teenager. I try to stay out of their relationship, but this is ridiculous. The twins will be 12 soon and that room hasn’t been occupied more than a few days in the last year.
—Room to Grow
Dear Room to Grow,
I disagree that it’s “a no-brainer.” “Should a young adult have a room to come home to for at least as long as they qualify to be on their parents’ health insurance” is definitely a question about which reasonable parents can disagree … and of course it’s a much easier one parents who can afford a large enough living space that it doesn’t matter if a part of it sits empty for the majority of the year. I can really see how your husband might fear giving his daughter’s room away would send a message about her place in his life that would make her feel unloved. I also get that the kids who actually live there most days could make good use of it!
Recently I’ve been on four dates with an engaging, beautiful, kind, and compassionate woman I met online. She told me she worked at a call center in “customer service,” but as she described her job, I realized she makes spam calls all day, every day, even to people who’ve tried to opt out of her call list. She seems to view it as “just a job,” whereas I think she is actively causing frustration, annoyance, and ill-feeling in the world.
This content was originally published here.